I Really Messed It Up This Time? Didn't I My Dear
by nikkoelyse92
Summary: Blaine's inner thoughts as he tries to figure out how to fix the biggest mistake of his life. (A 4x04 reaction fic)


_**Author's Note: Well I'm not sure where this came from exactly, but it's kind of what I came up with that was going through Blaine's head during 4x04. I haven't written anything in so long and this is unbetaed so I apologize if it sucks. But here ya go. A little bit (more like a lot) of Blangst.**_

* * *

When it's over, all Blaine wants to do is leave. He feels disgusting. He's sweaty and gross, and there's cum on him. Someone else's cum, it's not Kurt's. And oh god, Kurt. Blaine's heart starts racing. What the hell has he done?

Eli is still in the bathroom, and Blaine takes that opportunity to quickly grab his things. Throwing on his pants and jacket, the rest of his clothes he stuffs into his messenger bag before dashing out of the house and back to his car. He throws his stuff into the passenger seat, climbs in and starts the car up.

He slams his foot on the gas pedal and screeches out of the driveway. His hands grip the steering wheel tight. What the hell has he done? What the fucking hell has he done? He was with someone, someone else, someone that wasn't Kurt. Oh god. Blaine feels like he is going to throw up. He feels sick.

A horn honks at him, startling Blaine back into reality. He hits the gas and goes through the green light. He's not sure where he is going, he's just driving. He can't even think straight enough to make a decision about where to go. He's just driving.

"I can't believe I did that. Why the hell did I just do that?!" Blaine screams at himself.

"Because you're lonely. Because Kurt is off in New York living a fabulous life and you are here in Ohio all alone," a voice nags him in the back of his mind.

It's true. He knows he has been lonely. He thought winning the election and being Senior Class President would help that ache, but it's only made it worse. Kurt was too busy to care about it; that night when he had tried to ask Kurt what bow tie to wear for the debate and Kurt had brushed him off came rushing to the forefront of his mind. Oh god he felt like he was going to be sick.

His phone dings from where he threw it on the passenger seat. Blaine picks it up and opens the text message, it's from Eli.

"Hey babe, where did you go? You ran out of here so fast I didn't even get to clean you off. ;-)"

Blaine's stomach violently lurches and he pulls off the road into the first parking lot he can. It's empty, which is to be expected at eleven o'clock on a Wednesday night. Blaine parks the car haphazardly, before throwing the door open and getting out of the car. He barely makes it over to the small grassy area before his stomach lurches again and he throws up into the weeds.

He is so disgusted with himself. Blaine can't even comprehend what the hell he just did. It's like some terrible nightmare that he can't wake up from.

He stands in the grass for a few more minutes until his stomach is empty, but it doesn't help. He still feels sick. Sick, and disgusting, and terrible. He cheated on Kurt. He CHEATED on Kurt. His Kurt. His amazingly, wonderful, handsome Kurt. Blaine tries to throw up again at the thought, but all he does is gag. There's nothing left to throw up.

Blaine moves over to the curb and sits down, his elbows on his knees and his head resting in his hands. He stays there for awhile, trying to get his breathing under control, trying to think of what to do next.

He can hear his phone ding from the car again. Taking a deep breath, he gets up and goes back to his vehicle. The door is still open and the lights inside are on. He reaches across the console and picks his phone up.

"Missed call from Eli" flashes across his screen. Blaine ignores it. He unlocks his phone, goes into his contacts and blocks Eli's number. There.

It doesn't really solve his problem though. In fact, it doesn't solve it at all. Blaine sighs and climbs back into the car again. He figures he should probably head home. Not that it matters, his parents aren't home again. So no one really cares where he is. His parents don't, Kurt doesn't. He feels so alone, so fucking alone.

Blaine sticks his key into the ignition and starts his car back up again. He heads back out onto the road and drives in the direction of his house. It's only about ten minutes before he is home and parked in his garage.

Once inside his house, Blaine remembers he is only wearing his jacket and pants, and that he is still covered in Eli's cum. He gets queasy just at the thought and dashes upstairs to his room. He strips his jeans off and goes to throw them into his hamper before changing his mind and dumping them into his trash can instead, along with his shirt and underwear. He almost dumps his sweater too before he remembers Kurt bought it for him. Kurt.

Blaine sinks to the floor. He still can't believe what he has done. He, Blaine Anderson, who got so upset just a few months before when Kurt had been texting another guy and then had accused Kurt of cheating, was now the cheater. The horrible, miserable, no good cheater. Blaine balls the sweater up before chucking it across the room in anger.

He stands up and goes into his bathroom. He needs a shower now. He needs to get the evidence of his tryst off him stat. Blaine turns the shower on, making the water as hot as he can stand it before climbing in under the spray. It's scalding, but Blaine feels like he deserves it. He deserves the light pinpoint burning feeling it leaves against his skin.

Grabbing a washcloth and his body wash he quickly lathers himself up, scrubbing hard across his stomach where there is dried cum on his skin. He scrubs and scrubs and scrubs. He thinks maybe if he scrubs hard enough he can scrub the memory of his actions away. He can just clean it all away, make it go away. Though Blaine knows better than that. He knows he can't simply just clean it all up and pretend it never happen, because it did.

Blaine stays in the shower for a long time. He washes his hair twice and his body at least three times. The skin on his stomach is red from his harsh scrubbing by the time he finally turns the water off. He still doesn't feel clean though.

It's almost one am when he stumbles back into his bedroom. He knows he needs to go to bed; he's got school in the morning.

Oh god, school. What is he going to do? They'll know, someone will know. Someone will know what he did, they'll figure it out and tell Kurt, and oh god. Blaine collapses onto his bed, face first into his pillow. He really has fucked it all up.

Blaine pulls on some sweat pants and an old shirt and climbs into bed. He's exhausted and upset, and feels like all he wants to do is crawl into a hole and die at this point. That's all he wants to do. He can't even begin to think about what is going to happen in the morning. What he is going to have to do.

Before he falls asleep though he makes one decision; he has to tell Kurt. He has to tell Kurt what happened, what he did. And he has to do it soon, before he can chicken out or before someone else tells Kurt, because as much as he hates the idea of telling Kurt what he did, he hates the idea of someone else telling Kurt even more.

* * *

The next day is terrible. Even though he slept for a few hours the night before it wasn't pleasant. He couldn't get the images from that evening out of his head. Someone else's lips against his, someone else's hands on him, someone else's skin touching him, someone else inside him.

He can't eat. Sam picks up on this at lunch and tries to ask him about it, but Blaine just brushes it off. Tells Sam he isn't feeling well. Sam just nods his head and turns back to Artie and Jake to put his two cents in on their conversation. No one else the entire day asks him what's wrong. No one even notices.

He blows Glee club off that afternoon. That's the last thing he needs right now. To be in that choir room, a place full of memories of him and Kurt together, it would just make everything worse.

He goes home instead, back to his empty house. When he walks through the door though he realizes something; all he wants in that moment is Kurt. He just needs Kurt.

Before he knows it he's purchased a ticket for the first flight out to New York the next morning.

* * *

Blaine isn't sure what he expected when he showed up at Kurt and Rachel's apartment in New York the following evening. It certainly wasn't to find Finn there as well, and it certainly wasn't being immediately dragged out to a bar with a bunch of NYADA students. Though now he is there watching others stand up and sing their hearts out.

Kurt's sitting next to him at the table. It's fine, but it's awkward. Kurt is kind of picking up on it, and Blaine can tell. The guilt is eating away at him as he sits there. Seeing Kurt in his new life in New York and just how happy he is, Blaine hates himself even more for what he did, for what he is about to do.

After watching Brody and Rachel sing, Blaine decides he wants to sing as well.

Sitting at the piano he stumbles through a speech to Kurt about how much he loves him and how much this song means to him. As he plays the opening notes to Teenage Dream he finally loses it. The reality of what he has done comes crashing down on his head. Before he knows it he is choking on the lyrics of the song, his and Kurt's song. His eyes start watering up causing his vision to blur, he can't see. The guilt is tearing at his insides, the beautiful person sitting in front of him, his Kurt, how could he do such a thing to Kurt? How could he betray Kurt like that?

After he finishes Kurt suggests a walk in the park, saying he needs a little air. Finn and Rachel agree and the two couples head outside leaving Brody behind. When they reach the park Rachel and Finn wander off ahead of Kurt and him.

"So that was moving," Kurt says. Blaine nods, he isn't sure how else to respond. He hasn't quite settled down yet from the bar and is afraid he'll lose it. "Guess I'm kind of wondering why that was."

"Well, you know…I…uh...really missed you," Blaine says.

"I miss you too," Kurt tells him. "And I'm really glad that you're here, but you've been so emotional and weirdly sad, please stop pretending there's nothing wrong."

Blaine stops at that. Kurt knows something is wrong. Of course he knows, Kurt can read him better than he can read himself sometimes, it's one of the things Blaine loves about him. He turns to face Kurt whose head is tilted slightly to the side, waiting for his answer.

"I was with someone," Blaine confesses. The moment it's out of his mouth he can see Kurt's face fall.

"It was Sebastian wasn't it?" Kurt asks, and Blaine's insides choke up on that. After all this time and Kurt is still worried about Sebastian. This is going to kill him.

"No, it…it wasn't Sebastian," Blaine replies. "But it doesn't…it didn't mean anything. It was just a hookup, okay?" And it's true it doesn't matter. Eli meant nothing; he was nothing, merely a bad decision.

_You and me _

_We used to be together _

_Everyday together always_

"Then who was it?" Kurt asks.

"It doesn't matter who it was with Kurt. What matters is that I was by myself. I needed you. I needed you around and you weren't there," Blaine says. And now he is looking at Kurt and he can see Kurt's heart breaking and the fact he did that, the fact that he is causing that pain makes him feel terrible.

"And I was lonely," Blaine adds. "And I am, I'm really sorry." Blaine is; he is so fucking sorry. He just wants Kurt to know that. He needs Kurt to know that.

"You don't think that I've been lonely," Kurt shoots back at him. "And you don't think that I've had temptations?" Kurt's voice cracks a little there. "But I didn't act on it because I knew what it meant. It meant something horrible and awful and…"

"I'm so sorry Kurt," Blaine interrupts him. "I really am." Blaine can see the tears welling up in Kurt's eyes as he shakes his head before walking away down the path. As if Blaine didn't feel bad enough before, now he feels worse. He feels like a monster.

_I really feel _

_That I'm losing my best friend _

_I can't believe_

_This could be the end_

Kurt's several yards in front of him now on the path heading towards the small plaza. Finn and Rachel are in front of him.

_It looks as though,_

_You're letting go,_

_And if it's real_

_Then I don't want to know._

Blaine runs to try and catch up with him, but Kurt dashes off ahead.

He comes to a stop at the large fountain and sits on the edge, staring at the water. Blaine follows, sitting down next to Kurt facing away. Kurt's curled in on himself, holding his legs to his chest.

_Don't speak,_

_I know what you're thinking,_

_And I don't need your reason,_

_Don't tell me 'cause it hurts._

That evening back at the apartment is awkward for everyone. Apparently Finn and Rachel are fighting as well, so no one speaks to anyone else as they all get ready for bed.

Blaine changes in the bathroom after Kurt and comes back to find Kurt sitting on the bed facing away from him.

_Our memories _

_Well, they can be inviting _

_But some are altogether _

_Mighty frightening_

Blaine sits too, his back turned to Kurt as well. What else is he supposed to do? Its clear Kurt isn't going to talk to him, at least not tonight, if ever again. He deserves it though.

_As we die, both you and I _

_With my head in my hands _

_I sit and cry_

Without a word both boys lay back against the sheets. The small insignificant action makes Blaine ache inside. Just a few days earlier he would have been ecstatic to get to share a bed with Kurt again, even if that meant they had to be quiet with Rachel asleep a dozen feet away, but right now it's just a terrible reminder of what he did.

_Don't speak _

_I know just what you're saying _

_So please stop explaining_

_Don't tell me cause it hurts (no, no, no) _

_Don't speak _

_I know what you're thinking _

_I don't need your reasons _

_Don't tell me cause it hurts_

Blaine rolls over to his left, his back turned to Kurt. He can feel the mattress move next to him and he knows Kurt has done the same. It's as if someone has drawn an invisible line down the middle of the bed, and Blaine knows that no matter what no one will be crossing that line tonight, imaginary or not.

_Hush, hush darlin' Hush, hush _

_don't tell me tell me cause it hurts _

_Hush, hush darlin' Hush, hush darlin' _

_Hush, hush don't tell me tell me cause it hurts_

He can sense Kurt reaching up to turn off his light, so Blaine does the same. No goodnight, no sweet dreams, no I love you's. Just silence, cold and bitter silence. Blaine curls in on himself, tears beginning to run down his face. He tries to make it stop, he really does, but he can't. So instead he settles on trying to be as quiet as he can, turning his face into his pillow to muffle his cries. He feels Kurt shift on the bed, reaching an arm out as if to comfort him before drawing it back and turning away again. It only makes him cry more.

* * *

In the morning Blaine wakes to an empty bed. He can hear quiet voices coming from behind the privacy curtain Kurt has constructed around his bed. Blaine sits up and strains his ears a little.

"I've been waiting for somebody to come out," a voice says. He's pretty sure it's Kurt. "I was hoping it would be Blaine." It's Kurt alright, and Blaine can hear the heartbreak in his voice, which only makes him want to kick himself.

"You guys okay?" A second voice asks. This one is clearly Finn. Blaine sits quietly, curling back in on himself.

"I kind of feel like I'm going to die," he hears Kurt say. And that just does it for Blaine. He never meant to make Kurt feel like that. He never wanted Kurt to ever feel like that, and now he's done and gone it anyways cause he couldn't control himself. Cause Blaine let himself do the stupidest thing in the world and hurt Kurt, the one person he loves more than anything else in the world.

There's more quiet murmuring, which appears to be about Finn and Rachel so Blaine tunes it out. He can barely deal with his own heartbreak at the moment; he doesn't have the capacity to deal with the latest Finn and Rachel drama too.

Blaine knows he should go out there and talk to Kurt, but he doesn't know what he can say to fix it. He's not even sure if he can. All he knows is that he feels like he is dying on the inside.

When Blaine does eventually get out of bed he decides it would probably be best if he heads back to Ohio. So with a very awkward conversation, mostly between him and Rachel with Kurt sitting astute in the chair in the corner he gathers his things and leaves.

* * *

He still feels like shit on Monday when he enters the choir room early for Glee. It's not made any better when he finds Finn sitting there.

"Hey," Finn greets him. Blaine crosses to where Finn is sitting and stands there awkwardly.

"Um, by the time I got up you were already gone. I didn't get a chance to say goodbye," Blaine says. He knows it's a lie though, he heard Finn leave, but he isn't sure he wants anyone to know that he overheard the conversation between the two Hudmel brothers.

"Why'd you do that to him?" Finn asks. Blaine takes a deep breath before answering.

"I don't know," he says. And it's the truth. Five days later and he still doesn't know why he did what he did. He still can't process where in his head he figured that cheating on Kurt would fix his problems. Cause it didn't, only an idiot would think it would. It just made everything worse, so much worse.

"I just," he continues. "There's no excuse. He won't talk to me. I don't even know if we're broken up," Blaine confesses. Just as it looks like Finn's about to reply they're interrupted by the entrance of Sam and the rest of the Glee club. Blaine knows he isn't going to get an answer anymore so he resigns himself to a seat in the back corner.

Blaine sends a bouquet of flowers to Kurt that evening; red and yellow roses. Just like the one Kurt had given him almost a year before to apologize for getting upset over the casting of West Side Story. He hopes Kurt will get the message. He even attaches a little card that reads "Kurt, I'm so sorry. Please forgive me. XO XO XO Blaine."

Blaine knows that one little bouquet with a measly card isn't going to solve what happened. But he hopes that maybe it will be a step in the right direction.

He doesn't know though that when Kurt gets the bouquet he dumps the card in the trash, and throws the roses out before going home that evening.

* * *

_**So yeah...let me know what you think.**_


End file.
